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Tosh

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Great Movie Monologues
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SCARFACE


"Whattaya lookin' at? You're all a bunch of ****ing ****s. You know why? 'Cause you don't have the guts to be what you wanna be. You need people like me. You need people like me so you can point your ****ing fingers, and say "that's the bad guy." So, what dat make you? Good? You're not good; you just know how to hide. Howta lie. Me, I don't have that problem. Me, I always tell the truth--even when I lie. So say goodnight to the bad guy. Come on; the last time you gonna see a bad guy like this, let me tell ya. Come on, make way for the bad guy. There's a bad guy comin' through; you better get outta his way!"


"Now what is your problem, lady? Eh, you gotta problem? You're good looking, you gotta beautiful body, beautiful legs, beautiful face; wit all dese guys in love wit you, mein; only you gotta look in your eye like you haven't been ****ed in a year" 


("Hey, Jose; who, why, when, and how I **** is none of your business, okay?")


"Now jou're talking to me, baby; that I like, okay, keep it coming, baby"


("Don't call me baby, I'm not your baby")


"Eh, not yet, you gotta give me some time"




PULP FICTION


Jules :Now Yolanda, we're not gonna do anything stupid, are we? (pause) Nobody's gonna hurt anybody. We're gonna be like three little Fonzies here. And what's Fonzie like? Come on Yolanda what's Fonzie like?
Yolanda : Cool?
Jules : What?
Yolanda : He's cool.
Jules : Correctamundo. And that's what we're gonna be. We're gonna be cool. Now Ringo, I'm gonna count to three, and when I count three, you let go of your gun, and sit your ass down. But when you do it, you do it cool. Ready? One... two... three.
[Ringo sits down opposite Jules]
Yolanda : All right, now you let him go.
Jules : Yolanda, I thought you said you were gonna be cool. Now when you yell at me, it makes me nervous. And when I get nervous, I get scared. And when mother****ers get scared, that's when mother****ers accidentally get shot. But I don't want that. And you don't want that. And Ringo here *definitely* doesn't want that.
Yolanda : You just know, you touch him, you die.
Jules : Well, that seems to be the situation.


Captain Koons : The way your dad looked at it, this watch was your birthright. He'd be damned if any of the slopes were gonna get their greasy yellow hands on his boy's birthright. So he hid it in the one place he knew he could hide something: his ass. Five long years, he wore this watch up his ass. Then when he died of dysentery, he gave me the watch. I hid this uncomfortable piece of metal up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give the watch to you.




COOL HAND LUKE


Dragline : Get in here. Ain't ya scared? Ain't ya scared of dyin'?
Luke : Dyin'? Boy, he can have this little life any time he wants to. Do ya hear that? Are ya hearin' it? Come on. You're welcome to it, ol' timer. Let me know you're up there. Come on. Love me, hate me, kill me, anything. Just let me know it.
[He looks around]
Luke : I'm just standin' in the rain talkin' to myself.




SCENT OF A WOMAN


Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Ooh but I still smell her. Women. What could you say? Who made 'em? God must've been a ****ing genius. Hair. They that hair's everything you know. Have you ever buried your nose in a mountain of curls and just wanted to go to sleep forever? Or lips. And when they touched yours were like that first swallow of wine after you just crossed the desert. Tits. Hoo-hah! Big ones, little ones. Nipples staring right out at ya, like secret searchlights. Mmm Legs. I don't care if they're Greek columns, or second-hand Steinways, but what's between them... passport to heaven. I need a drink. Yes, Mr Sims, there's only two syllables in this whole wide world worth hearing. Pussy. Hah! Are you listenin' to me son? I'm givin' ya pearls here.


Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Out of order, I'll show you out of order! You don't know what out of order is Mr. Trask! I'd show you but I'm too old, I'm too tired, and I'm too ****in' blind. If I were the man I was five years ago I'd take a flame-thrower to this place. Out of order, who the hell do you think you're talking to? I've been around you know? There was a time I could see. And I have seen, boys like these, younger than these, their arms torn out, their legs ripped off. But there isn't nothin' like the sight of an amputated spirit, there is no prosthetic for that. You think you're merely sending this splendid foot-soldier back home to Oregon with his tail between his legs but I say that you are executing his soul. And why? Because he's not a Baird man. Baird men, you hurt this boy, you're going to be Baird Bums, the lot of ya. And Harry, Jimmy, Trent, wherever you are out there, **** you too.




FIGHT CLUB


Tyler Durden : Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy **** we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very ****ed off.

Tyler Durden : All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look, I **** like you wanna ****, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not.


 



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Franko

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Great ****, Tosh. The Captain Coons/PULP FICTION one would be a phenomenal to know.

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Tosh

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BAD SANTA


Willie : I've been to prison once, I've been married - twice. I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live in ****-ass Mexico for 21/2 years for no reason. I've had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out and I got a bone-chip in my ankle that's never gonna heal. I've seen some pretty ****ty situations in my life, but nothing has ever sucked more ass than this!


BEST IN SHOW


Max Berman : I'll gouge your right eye out with my thumb, I **** you not, you little freak! Now, will you get down here? I'm gonna punch you in the eye till it turns to jelly! I'll stab you with forks till you bleed, how bout that?


Harlan Pepper : I used to be able to name every nut that there was. And it used to drive my mother crazy, because she used to say, "Harlan Pepper, if you don't stop naming nuts," and the joke was that we lived in Pine Nut, and I think that's what put it in my mind at that point. So she would hear me in the other room, and she'd just start yelling. I'd say, "Peanut. Hazelnut. Cashew nut. Macadamia nut." That was the one that would send her into going crazy. She'd say, "Would you stop naming nuts!" And Hubert used to be able to make the sound, he couldn't talk, but he'd go "rrrawr rrawr" and that sounded like Macadamia nut. Pine nut, which is a nut, but it's also the name of a town. Pistachio nut. Red pistachio nut. Natural, all natural white pistachio nut.


THE BIG KAHUNA


Larry Mann : Well, I'll be a son of a bitch! I don't smoke, you quit drinking, Bob here wouldn't even dream of looking at another woman with lust... between the three of us, we're practically Jesus.


WILLY WONKA


Oompa Loompas, from Loompaland…Nothing but desolate wastes and fierce beasts. And the poor little Oompa Loompas were so small and helpless, they would get gobbled up right and left. A Wangdoodle would eat ten of them for breakfast and think nothing of it. And so, I said, "Come and live with me in peace and safety, away from all the Wangdoodles and Hornswogglers and Snozzwangers and rotten Vermicious Knids.


WALLSTREET


Gordon Gekko : The richest one percent of this country owns half our country's wealth, five trillion dollars. One third of that comes from hard work, two thirds comes from inheritance, interest on interest accumulating to widows and idiot sons and what I do, stock and real estate speculation. It's bull****. You got ninety percent of the American public out there with little or no net worth. I create nothing. I own.


 


Gordon Gekko : The point is ladies and gentlemen that greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right. Greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of it's forms - greed for life, for money, knowledge - has marked the upward surge of mankind and greed - you mark my words - will not only save Teldar Paper but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA. Thank you.



 



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Dr. Zaius

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"Beware the beast man, for he will make a desert out of your home and his."

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ET

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BULL DURHAM

Crash: Well, I believe in the soul. The cock. The pussy. The small of a woman's back. The hanging curveball. High fiber. Good scotch. That the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a Constitution Amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas eve. And I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days...Goodnight.




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ET

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CADDY SHACK

Carl: So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one---big hitter, the Lama---long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consiousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.



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ET

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TIN CUP


Molly: Doreen, how did he get the name Tin Cup?
Doreen: Oh, he was the catcher on the high school baseball team. The star pitcher had a big-league curve... not all of his pitches hit Roy in the mitt, ouch. The team thought Tin Cup was a whole lot better than Clank.




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Franko

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Travolta in SWORDFISH:

Gabriel: You know what the problem with Hollywood is? They make ****. Unbelievable, unremarkable ****. Now I'm not some grungy wannabe filmmaker that's searching for existentialism through a haze of bong smoke or something. No, it's easy to pick apart bad acting, short-sighted directing, and a purely moronic stringing together of words that many of the studios term as "prose". No, I'm talking about the lack of realism. Realism; not a pervasive element in today's modern American cinematic vision. Take Dog Day Afternoon, for example. Arguably Pacino's best work, short of Scarface and Godfather Part 1, of course. Masterpiece of directing, easily Lumet's best. The cinematography, the acting, the screenplay, all top-notch. But... they didn't push the envelope. Now what if in Dog Day, Sonny REALLY wanted to get away with it? What if - now here's the tricky part - what if he started killing hostages right away? No mercy, no quarter. "Meet our demands or the pretty blonde in the bellbottoms gets it the back of the head." Bam, splat! What, still no bus? Come on! How many innocent victims splattered across a window would it take to have the city reverse its policy on hostage situations? And this is 1976; there's no CNN, there's no CNBC, there's no internet! Now fast forward to today, present time, same situation. How quickly would the modern media make a frenzy over this? In a matter of hours, it'd be biggest story from Boston to Budapest! Ten hostages die, twenty, thirty; bam bam, right after another, all caught in high-def, computer-enhanced, color corrected. You can practically taste the brain matter. All for what? A bus, a plane? A couple of million dollars that's federally insured? I don't think so. Just a thought. I mean, it's not within the realm of conventional cinema... but what if?


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Santa

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Bad Santa:


Billy Bob: Are you F u c k i n' with me kid?!


Great movie! Ha sandwiches ha!



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Thompson

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Dead Man:


Nobody: Stupid F U C K I N G white man.



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Viva Bush

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CLUELESS


Cher:  Everything I think and everything I do is wrong. I was wrong about Elton, I was wrong about Christian, and now Josh hated me. It all boiled down to one inevitable conclusion, I was just totally clueless... Oh and this whole Josh and Ty thing was wiggin' me more than anything. I mean, what was my problem? Ty is my pal, I don't begrudge her a boyfriend. I really...


Oooh! I wonder if they have that in my size!


What does she want with Josh anyway? He dresses funny, he listens to complaint rock, he's not even cute in a conventional way... I mean, he's just like this slug that hangs around the house all the time! Ugh! And he's a hideous dancer, couldn't take him anywhere. Wait a second, what am I stressing about, this is like, Josh. Okay, okay......so he's kind of a Baldwin. What would he want with Ty, she couldn't make him happy, Josh needs someone with imagination, someone to take care of him, someone to laugh at his jokes in case he ever makes any...the suddenly....


Oh my god! I love Josh! I'm majorly, totally, butt crazy in love with Josh! But now I don't know how to act around him. I mean normally I'd strut around in my cutest little outfits, and send myself flowers and candy but I couldn't do that stuff with Josh.



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Thuggity

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THE BIG LABOWSKI

The Dude:

"That guy treats objects like women man."

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